[Desi Masala] week at the gym

*Dear Diary,*
*For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week **of
personal training at the local health club for me. **Although I am still in
great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I
decided **it **would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.*
*I called the club and made my **reservations with a personal trainer **named
Belinda, who identified herself as a **26-year-old aerobics instructor **and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear.*
*My daughter seemed pleased with my **enthusiasm to get started! The **club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.*
* ________________________________*
* MONDAY:*
*Started my day at **6:00 a.m.** Tough to **get out of bed, but found it **was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes **and
a dazzling white smile.*
*Woo Hoo!!*
*Belinda gave me a tour and showed me **the machines. I enjoyed watching the
skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my **workout
today. Very inspiring!*
*Belinda was encouraging as I did my **sit-ups, although my gut was **already
aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is **going to
be a FANTASTIC week-!!*
* ________________________________*
* TUESDAY:*
* I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put
weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I **made
the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I
feel **GREAT-!!
It's a whole new life for me.*
* _______________________________*
* WEDNESDAY:*
*The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the **counter
and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in
both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I
parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with
me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.*
*Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when **she
scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.*
*My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair *
*monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in
shape and enjoy life.*
* _______________________________*
*THURSDAY:*
*Belinda was waiting for me with her **vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a
half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.*
*Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran
and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny b ---- to find me. Then,
as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.*
* _______________________________*
* FRIDAY:*
* I hate Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human
being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little
cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move **without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.*
*Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if *
*you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or
**anything
that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on
a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been **someone softer,
like the drama coach or the choir director?*
* ________________________________*
* SATURDAY:*
*Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, **shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me
want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the **strength
to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight **hours of
the Weather Channel.*
* ________________________________*
* SUNDAY:*
*I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go **and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
**daughter will
choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I
still say if God had wanted me to bend **over he would have sprinkled the
floor **with diamonds!*

--
Save the Earth... it's the only planet with chocolate!!

"Buy me, Lady", said the frock, "and I will make you into a BEAUTIFUL &
WHOLE & COMPLETE human being".
"Do not be silly", said the Man, "for a frock alone cannot do that".
"True", said the Lady, "I will have the shoes and the bag as well".

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

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