[Desi Masala] 900 plus jokes also in zip file

•  Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home & devil in bed.
But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home & a economist in Bed.

•  Girl announced her engagement to her father.
Father: Does this fellow has any money?
Girl: U men r all alike, that's exactly what he asked me about u.

•  Museum Administrator: That's a 500 year old statue you have broken.
Lalu: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.

•  Banta: Give me a bag full of money, job and a vehicle full of girls
God: So it be, my son and made him a bus conductor of ladies special bus!

•  How do u identify a true music lover?
A man when hears a woman singing in the bathroom, puts his ear to the keyhole instead of his eye!

•  A genuine reason for having two girlfriends at a time: Monopoly is always damaging & Competition improves service!

•  Santa: I got married because I was tired of cooking, cleaning home and washing clothes.
Banta: Amazing, I got divorce for the same reason.

•  Angry Santa to his son: Have you ever seen an owl?
Pappu: (Luking down) No...
Santa: Don't look down. Look at me.

•  Santa: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
Banta: Ok
Santa: A white horse fell in the mud.

•  Two goldfish in a bowl talking: Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?
Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?
•  Postman: I have to come 5 miles to deliver u this packet.
Santa: Why did u come so far. Instead U could have posted it.

•  Why women live a better, longer & a peaceful life?
Because, women don't have a wife.

•  Man standing on the scale, holding his stomach in. Wife: I don't think that is going to help.
Man: Sure it does. How else could I see the numbers?

•  Maths & Women are the two most complicated things in this world...
But maths at least has some logic!

•  Teacher: what do u call a person who cannot hear anything?
Santa: U can call him anything, because he cannot hear anything.

•  Santa found the answer to the most difficult question ever: What will come first, Chicken or egg?
O Yaar, what ever U order first, will come first.

•  Why do bees hum?
Because they've forgotten the words.

•  Control to pilot: What is your height and position?
Pilot: I'm five feet eight inches and i'm sitting down.

•  Wife: I Have Changed My Mind.
Husband: Thank God ! Does The New One Work Now?

•  A boy goes to a strip club. His mom gets angry & asks him: Did u see anything there that u were not supposed to see?
Boy: Yes, I saw dad!
•  Expensive fertilizers that do nothing for your grass will give you the most gorgeous weeds you ever saw.

•  People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

•  A teenage boy to his father: Here's my report card and a list I've compiled of entrepreneurs who never finished their High School.

•  The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Pappu! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "Cartoon Network, Ten Sports, Discovery Channel and Pogo!"

•  A cute Nurse came 4 the interview.
Dr: What salary U Xpect?
Nurse: Rs.10,000.
Dr was overjoyed & said: My Pleasure.
Nurse: With pleasure its 25,000

•  Easiest way to die:
1. Have a cigar daily - you will die10 years early.
2. Have drinks daily - you will die 30 years early.
3. But love someone truly - you will die daily!

•  What would confuse a mentally challenged person?
Answer: A pineapple.
Confused...? I knew you would be!

•  How to catch a squirrel?
Climb up a tree and just be yourself. Squirrels will come to you on their own. Because they just love NUTS !

•  If you never want to see a man again, say: I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children - they leave skid marks.

•  Yeah, my husband and I just split up. I finally faced the fact that we're incompatible. I'm a Virgo and he's an a@@hole.
•  Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home& devil in bed. But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home& economist in Bed.

•  Santa declares: I'll never marry in my life and I'll give same advice to my children also.

•  Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

•  I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in, she said: Check books.

•  The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new car.

•  Sometimes when I reflect back on all the ciggarettes I smoked, i feel ashamed. Then I look into the ciggarette & think about the workers in the ciggarette factory & all of their hopes & dreams. If I dont smoke this ciggarette, they might be out of work & their dreams would be shattered, Then I say to myself, it's better that I smoke this ciggarette & let their dreams come true then be selfish & worry about my LUNGS.

•  Several women appeared in court, each accusing the other of the trouble in the flat where they lived. The judge called for orderly testimony. "I'll hear the oldest first," he decreed. The case was closed for lack of evidence.

•  What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

•  My wife thinks "freedom of the press" means no-iron clothes..

•  When the best actors are chosen by other actors, it's called the Oscars. When the best actors are chosen by the people, it's called an election.
•  A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drove his prize possession...even to the grocery store which was a few blocks from the house.
After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!"

•  A boy tells his mom that he seen a boy & a girl sitting at the top of the roof & kissing. Then his mom tell him that they are gonna get married.
Then the boy asks his mom: When is dad gonna marry the maid?

•  "Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire'"
Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously.
"What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?"
"I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.

•  Wife's definition of retirement: Twice as much husband on half as much pay.

•  Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

•  Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal

•  At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I hv lst my hand, oh!
Santa: Control urself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?

•  A blonde was being admonished by the doctor: Until the penicillin cleans out ur infection, u r to have no relations whatsoever!
Pausing for a moment, blonde replied: Ok, but what about friends & neighbors?

•  A French in a hotel in NY, phoned room service for some pepper.
Attendant: Black pepper or white pepper?
French: Toilette pepper!
•  A history professor and a psychology professor were sitting on a deck at a nudist colony.
The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"
The psychology professor replied, "Yes, I think they are from the wicker chairs."

•  We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations--we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together

•  Mother: So, you want to become my son-in-law?
Boy: Not really, but I don't see any other way to marry your daughter

•  Two women were talking about their new milkman.
First: He's very good looking, punctual & dresses so smartly.
And so quickly too!, said the other.

•  Santa & Banta were walking in the highlands then suddenly Santa fell down in a deep hole.
Banta: Are you ok?
Santa: Fine thanks!
Banta: Did you break anything?
Santa: No, there's nothing down here!

•  An old: Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.
Doc: That's not senility. Senility is when you forget to zip down.

•  Boss: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

•  It isn't widely known, but the first toilet seat was invented by an Irish scientist in the 18th century. The invention was later modified by an English inventor who put a hole in the seat.

•  There is a sign in the toilet of the Sex Change Clinic. It reads "We may never piss this way again."

•  Santa always leave an empty milk carton in the refrigerator just in case someone wants their coffee black.
•  Guide: I welcome u all to the Niagra falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls & the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, sound of even 20 supersonic planes passing can't b heard! Now may I request the ladies to keep quiet so that we can hear the Niagra Falls??

•  A blonde calls a mechanic 2 fix her car, he gets it goin in 2 minutes.
What was the prob?
Just shit in the air filter
How often do I hv to do that?

•  Santa falls in luv with a nurse... After much thinking, he finally writes a love letter to her: "I luv u sister."

•  Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

•  A history teacher & his wife were sitting at a table. The wife asked. 'Anything new at work?'
He replied, 'No, I'm teaching History.'

•  Two old ladies were attending a rather long church service. One leaned over & whispered: My butt is going to sleep. 'I know,' replied the other, 'I heard it snore three times.'

•  Q: What's the diff between mother & wife?
A: One woman brings into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.

•  A guy took a part time job as an opinion poll sampler, calling people for their views on various issues. On his very first call, he introduced myself, "Hello, this is a telephone poll."
A man on the other end replied, "Yeah, and this is a street light!"

•  Santa enters kitchen, opens sugar container, looks inside and closes it. He does this again and again. Why?
Because his Doctor told him to check sugar level regularly.

•  Boss: I'll give you 3000 per month and in three months, I'll raise it to 6000. So when would you like to start?
Santa: In 3 months.
•  A girl proposed to Santa and he denied simply saying that in our family, we marry only our relatives. My mom married my dad, my brother married my bhabhi , my uncle married my aunt and so on. So please excuse me !!!!!

•  I took my secretary to lunch the other day, and I discovered she was not the old fashioned type. After two old fashions she couldn't type.

•  Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord,"
And there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

•  There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go thru hell for her. They got married and now he is going thru hell.

•  An army sergeant told Santa to go to the end of the line. He did, but then returned.
"I thought I told you to go to the end of the line," barked the sergeant. "Why did you come back?"
"Because there's already somebody there!"

•  A priest was praying for guidance: Oh God, grant me this knowledge: what is the meaning of life?
For a while, Creation was silent. Then a booming voice, sounding severely pissed-off, shouts from heaven: Read the F*#kin FAQ!

•  A man is in the hospital after getting drunk and swallowing 120 coins on a bet. Doctors monitoring his situation say, so far, no change.

•  Santa tripped on a broken curb and went to the hospital.
After examining him, the doctor said, "I have some good news, and some bad news for you. First of all, you'll never be able to work again."
Santa replied, "Okay, now what's the bad news?"

•  An application for job came in with an applicant's picture attached. She was a pretty blonde. On the back of the picture was hand written: "Picture on front".

•  What's the difference between me and a Viking?" Olli asked.
"No idea, said Ville."
"When the Vikings used to come home after their wars, that's when the real drinking began. But when I come home after a few drinks, that's when the real war begins."
•  Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

•  As an inspirational measure, a boss placed a sign in the restroom directly above the sink. It had a single word on it: THINK
The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at his sign, and right next to it, above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign, which read: THOAP!

•  At weddings old aunts used 2 tease me saying: You are next, you are next.
But they stopped it since I started doing the same to them at funerals!

•  Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service. One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep."
"I know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times."

•  Teacher: Four beautiful girls are walking on the road. Change it to exclamatory sentence.
Student: WOW !

•  People who do lots of work...make lots of mistakes,
People who do less work...make less mistakes,
People who do no work...make no mistakes,
People who make no mistakes...get promoted.

•  May you die in bed at the age of 95, shot by a jealous spouse.

•  Father talking to his son: Son, you should never lie. One lie begets another lie, then another lie, and before you know it, you're a lawyer.

•  Pappu: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Jeeto: Well, you have done the right thing.
Pappu: But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

•  Woman sends knickers to the launderette but they still come back stained. Next time she sends a note: Use more soap on clothes.
Laundry man sends back a note: Use more paper on your arse.
•  Mom: Where r u off to now?
Son: I`m gonna join the army.
Mom: But, legally u r only an infant.
Son: That`s all right, I`m going to join the infantry.

•  Customer: Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter: I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.

•  The Smiths were dining out when his wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.
"Honey," she said as she pointed the guy out, "That guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much!"

•  In a survey, 80 percent of women thought their ass was too fat, 15 percent said their ass was too thin and the other five per cent said they didn't care - they would have married him anyway.

•  I've invented a fly spray that doesn't kill flies; it makes them so sexually active, you can swat two at a time.

•  Bumper Sticker: Not so close! I'm still making payments.

•  Your daddy must be a terrorist because you're a BOMB!

•  Santa in an antique shop, Do you have anything new?

•  Two taxicab drivers met.
"Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"
"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."

•  Husband: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Wife: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
•  An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. "I'm glad to see you." he said. "I've been lost for three days."
"Don't get too excited friend." the other hunter replied. "I've been lost for three weeks."

•  The mother of a large family was explaining why she dresses her children alike, right down to the youngest baby.
"When we had just four children, I dressed them alike so we wouldn't lose any of them."
"Now," she added, looking around at her brood of nine, "I dress them alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us."

•  Q: What's the difference between good & bad gals?
A: Good gals loosen a few buttons when it's hot, bad gals make it hot by loosening a few buttons!

•  A rabbi took a job at a Duracell factory. His job is to stand on the production line and as the batteries go by, say, "I wish you long life".

•  Can I go to the theatre? Asks a mosquito to her mother.
Yes but be aware, pay attention during the applause.

•  Q: How do you recognize a Santa's son in School?
A: He is the one who erases the books when the teacher erases the board.

•  Banta was visiting Santa, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. Santa responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Banta: Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?
"HELLOOOOOO," answered Santa. "They're watch dogs!"

•  A teacher asked Pappu: What's the capital of United States?
Pappu: Washington DC.
When asked what "DC" stood for, Pappu added, "Dot com!"

•  Q: Did you hear about the blonde who was tap dancing?
A: She broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

•  Santa: I kiss my wife everyday before leaving for office, what about you?
Banta: Me too, after you leave.
•  An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. "I'm glad to see you." he said. "I've been lost for three days."
"Don't get too excited friend." the other hunter replied. "I've been lost for three weeks."

•  The mother of a large family was explaining why she dresses her children alike, right down to the youngest baby.
"When we had just four children, I dressed them alike so we wouldn't lose any of them."
"Now," she added, looking around at her brood of nine, "I dress them alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us."

•  Q: What's the difference between good & bad gals?
A: Good gals loosen a few buttons when it's hot, bad gals make it hot by loosening a few buttons!

•  A rabbi took a job at a Duracell factory. His job is to stand on the production line and as the batteries go by, say, "I wish you long life".

•  Can I go to the theatre? Asks a mosquito to her mother.
Yes but be aware, pay attention during the applause.

•  Q: How do you recognize a Santa's son in School?
A: He is the one who erases the books when the teacher erases the board.

•  Banta was visiting Santa, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. Santa responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Banta: Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?
"HELLOOOOOO," answered Santa. "They're watch dogs!"

•  A teacher asked Pappu: What's the capital of United States?
Pappu: Washington DC.
When asked what "DC" stood for, Pappu added, "Dot com!"

•  Q: Did you hear about the blonde who was tap dancing?
A: She broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

•  Santa: I kiss my wife everyday before leaving for office, what about you?
Banta: Me too, after you leave.
•  The judge read the charges, then asked: Are you the defendant in this case?
No, your honor," replied Banta, "I've got a lawyer to do the defendin'. I'm the person who done it.

•  Jeeto: I didn't know you smoked. When did you start?
Preeto: That night my husband came home early & found a cigarette butt in the ashtray.

•  Doctor: You look terribly weak and exhausted! Are you having your meals three times a day as I advised?
Lady: Doctor, I thought you said three males a day.

•  Q: Why do men fart more often than women?
A: Because women do not keep their mouth shut long enough to build up the pressure.

•  Q: Why was Santa writing the exam near the door?
A: Because it was an entrance exam.

•  Santa's inventions:
1. Waterproof towel
2. Solar powered torch
3. Book on how to read
4. Pedal powered wheel chair.

•  Banta: Y does Waheeda Rehman never changes her saree in the movie GUIDE?
Santa: B'coz Dev Anand says: 'O mere humrahi, meri baanh thame chalna, badle duniya SARI, tum na badalna'

•  Pilot Santa asking permission to land said, "Guess who?"
Controller Banta switches the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"

•  A politician's most important ability is to foretell what will happen tomorrow and next month and next year - and to explain afterwards why it didn't happen.

•  There are bats hanging of a branch upside down, all except one. Two bats comment:
What happened to this one?
I dont know, two minutes ago he seemed normal and then he fainted.
•  "Hello! Where are you coming from?" asked Bill.
"Oh, don't ask me! I'm coming from the cemetery. I just burried my mother-in-law" replied Jim.
"I'm so sorry!" said Bill, "But why is your face schratched all over?"
"It wasn't so easy!" said Sid, "She put on a hell of a fight!"

•  "Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician.
"Nah," replied the mother-to-be. "He and my husband don't get along."

•  A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman & said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him & said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

•  When he was five years old, he wanted to become a lawyer. Now that he is a lawyer, he acts like a five-years old.

•  Reporter: How does it feel to become a millionaire?
Millionaire: Sad, because I am not a billionaire.

•  Q: What did the Gujju mean when he said, "Maro dikro Dubai gayo?"
A: My son drowned.

•  Q: What did the Gujju mean when he said, "Ramesh no dikro STATES ma gayon" ?
A: Ramesh's son failed in statistics...

•  Q: Why did the Gujju go to London?
A: To see BIG BEHN.

•  Q: Why did the Gujju go to Rome ?
A: He wanted to listen to POPE music.

•  Gujju Premi: Darling mere kaan me kuch halka sa, Kuch narm sa, Kuch namkin sa, Kuch mitha sa kaho!
Premika: Dhokla.
•  Jeeto: If I die what'll you do?
Santa: I may also die.
Jeeto: Why?
Santa: Some time too much of happiness can also kill a man.

•  Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

•  Teacher: Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
Johnny: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time.

•  Q: Who is more satisfied, a man with a million dollars, or a man with six children?
A: The man with six children. The man with a million dollars wants more.

•  The owner of a company tells his employees:
You worked very hard this year. The company's profits increased dramatically. As a reward, I 'll give everyone a check for Rs 5000. If you work with the same zeal next year, I'll sign those checks.

•  Q: Why do blondes keep empty milk cartons in the fridge?
A: In case they want a black coffee.

•  Q: Why did the tightrope walker visit his bank?
A: To check his balance.

•  The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn`t believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.

•  Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

•  Q: Why is getting Christmas presents for your kids just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
•  My accountant told me that the only reason why my business is looking up is that it's flat on its back.

•  Panting and sweating, Santa and Banta on a tandem bicycle finally made it to the top of a steep hill.
"That was a tough climb," said Banta.
"Sure was," replied Santa. "And if I hadn't kept the brakes on, we would have slid down backward."

•  A woman is sitting at a bar. A man approaches her and says, "Hi, honey, want a little company?"
"Why?" asks the woman. "Do you have one to sell?"

•  Q: Why are Egyptian's Children always confused??
A: Because after death, their daddy becomes the mummy.

•  An astronomer was watching the sky from his telescope. Santa was observing him. Suddenly a star falls, seeing that Santa shouted, "Kya nishana lagaya hai!"

•  Banta: Why is the Police nicknamed "The heart of the country"?
Santa: It beats, beats, beats....

•  Once Professor Santa asked a plumber to come to his college.. You know whyy?
Because he wanted to check from where the question paper is leaking.

•  Q: What four letter word starts with F and ends with K and if a man can't get it he uses his hands?
A: Fork

•  Santa: Do you know the meaning of WIFE. It means...Without Information Fighting Evrytime!
Jeeto: It could also mean - With Idiot For Ever.

•  Santa: What kind of a wife do you want?
Pappu: Exactly like moon; which appears in the night and disappears in the morning!
•  Q: What does a lazy dog chase?
A: Parked cars.

•  Waiter, waiter, do you have frog's legs?
Certainly, Sir!
Well hop over here and get me a sandwich!

•  Q: Did you hear about the new Iraqi tank?
A: Yeah, It has 14 gears. 13 go in reverse, and one goes foreward incase the enemy attacks from behind.

•  A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When she asked young Johnny, he said, "My father's dead, Miss."
"Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died?"
"He went blue and collapsed."

•  Q: Which month do soldiers hate most?
A: The Month of March!!

•  Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, you stupid bastard!

•  An American report: We crossed chickens with cows. The new breed simultaneously produces milk, meat and eggs.
Report from France: We crossed flies and bees. The hybrid flies over the trash fields and produces honey.
Report from Russia: We crossed a melon with cockroaches. When you cut this melon, seeds run away by themselves

•  Q: Why did the Santa put his finger over the nail when he was hammering?
A: The noise gave him a headache.

•  Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
A: Knock on the door.

•  Santa was drawing money from ATM. Banta, who was just behind him in the line said, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur password. Its 4 asterisks(****).
Santa replies, "Ha! Ha! Ha! You are wrong. Its 1258."
•  A man gets into a cab and asks the cab driver, "Hey, do you have room for a 6 pack of beer and a large pepperoni pizza up front?"
"Sure, plenty of room," says the cabbie.
So the man leans over into the front seat ... and pukes.

•  A cop stops a drunk him and asks:
Where you going?
I'm going to listen the lecture about the harm of the drunkenness and alcoholism.
At night? And who will give a lecture?
My wife and mother-in-law!

•  Two flies order some food in a restaurant. One says:
I'll take the shit with garlic.
And I'll take the same, but without garlic, said the other one. I don't like to have bad breath.

•  Doctor, I always am afraid of anything without any reason.
Take this drug three times daily (gives a purgative) and you'll have the reason!

•  A nurse in hospital asks the patient with broken-down head:
Name?
Sameer Bhatia.
Date of birth?
06 September 1965.
Married?
No. Car accident.

•  A psychiatrist says to his patient, "So, you say that you're happy to pay your taxes...And when did this start?"

•  A drunk got into a taxi and told the driver, "Take me to The Piccadely Hotel."
The taxi driver turned round and said, "But we are at The Piccadely Hotel, we're parked right outside it." 'That's fine then, but next time, don't drive so damn fast!"

•  What about the blonde who gave birth to twins?
Her husband is out looking for the other man.

•  A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!"
"I don't have to think - I'm blonde!"

•  At weddings old aunts usd to tease me saying "You are next, you are next."
But they stoppd it since I started doin the same to them at funerals...!!
•  Jeeto was about to give birth to a baby.
Santa: If it looks like you, it would be great.
Jeeto: If it looks like you, it would be a miracle.

•  Will you love me after marriage also?
This depends on your husband, if he allows me.

•  A morning dialogue:
Banta, "Honey, you know when I shave in the morning I feel 10 years younger.."
Preeto, "But can you shave in the evening then?"

•  Two lawyers standing before an Irish judge got into a fierce argument.
At last one lawyer lost his temper and shouted, "Sir you are the biggest fool that I have set eyes on."
"Order, order," said the Irish judge. "You seem to forget that I am in the room."

•  Patient: Doctor, you've gotta help me. I eat apples, apples later come out into the toilet. I eat bananas, bananas come out."
Doctor: That's easy. Eat shit.

•  God thought that since he couldn't b everywhere he made a mother.
Then devil thought that he couldn't b everywhere he made a mother-in-law.

•  Q: Why did the tomato turned red?
A: Because he saw the salad dressing.

•  What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

•  A recruit who wasn't really meant to be a soldier went out to the rifle range for the first time. He missed every target and most of the hills behind them. Despondent, he said to the sergeant, "I think I'll just go and shoot myself."
The sergeant said, "Better take a couple of extra bullets!"

•  Height of Patriotism: U sitting on an English toilet in Indian style.
•  Doctor: your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you.

•  Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up.

•  Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

•  Q: How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?
A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.

•  Q: How is an ear of corn like an army?
A: It has lots of kernels.

•  "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too."
"Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"
"A judge told him."

•  A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign.
"Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?" yelled an irate man.
She rolled down her window and yelled back, "What makes you think these are all mine?"

•  A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."
"Yeah, but you see, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."

•  Man: I want a divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months.
Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are hard to get!!

•  A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.
"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."
•  Did you hear about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?

•  A man tries to push an elderly woman over a balcony's railing on the third floor. A crowd of onlookers on the sidewalk is angry.
"Stop him! Stop the bastard!" they shout. "Help the poor woman!"
"She is my mother-in-law," the man on the balcony says.
"Ah... Look at the witch! She has the gall to grab at the railing and resist!"

•  Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business next door to the convent?
He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.

•  Q: What kind of work goes on in a salt & pepper factory?
A: Seasonal work.

•  The boss called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously.
"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?"
"I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving Friday."

•  Height of possesiveness: Constipation !!

•  Height of honesty: Pregnant woman paying 1.5 times the fare..

•  Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Kargil, 1999."
The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."

•  Several women appeared in court, each accusing the other of the trouble in the flat where they lived.
The judge called for orderly testimony. "I'll hear the oldest first," he decreed. The case was closed for lack of evidence.

•  When in life, you wake up and you don't see anyone, then come to me. I will be there to take you to an eye specialist!
•  A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.

•  During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

•  The Judge said to the defendant. "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again."
"Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen."

•  True bravery is arriving home late, after a boys night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom and asking ...
Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

•  Why are all those people running?
They are running a race to get a cup.
Who will get the cup?
The person who wins.
Then why are all the others running?

•  Soon after their wedding, the bride told her groom, "Darling, now that we are married, I want you to fire your secretary."
"But honey," replied the groom, "you used to be a secretary yourself."
"Yes," she continued, "and that's why I want you to fire her!"

•  "How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."

•  Five-year-old girl was asked by her teacher what her father does, and she replied, "Whatever my Mom tells him to."

•  Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

•  Professor to noisey students: "Every time I open my mouth some fool speaks."
•  A doctor says to a patient, "I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is I amputated the wrong leg. The good news is your bad leg is getting better!"

•  Q: What do women and tax forms have in common?
A: Men love to cheat on them.

•  When the electricity went off during a storm at a school the students were de-lighted.

•  A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the army.
Listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won't she?"
"Sure," replied the man.
"Well, won't they find out?"
The man shrugged. "But who'll tell?"

•  Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again, Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!

•  An English professor announced to the class; "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool."
From the back of the room a voice called out, "So, what are the words?"

•  The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up from the table and said, "I have to go back to the office. I forgot to lock the safe!"
"What are you worried about?" the other said. "We're both here."

•  An interviewer asked, "Can you operate a typewriter?"
"Yes, sir, I use the Biblical system."
"I never heard of it."
"Seek and ye shall find."
Have a great day!!

•  Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."

•  Dave jumped up from the card table white with rage.
"Stop this game," he shouted, "Joe is cheating!"
"How do you know?"
"He's not playing the hand I dealt him!"
•  The weatherman is the only person who can be wrong every single day and still have their boss tell them see ya tomarrow

•  It isn't widely known, but the first toilet seat was invented by a Polish scientist in the 18th century. The invention was later modified by a Jewish inventor who put a hole in the seat.

•  The good news: Saddam is facing the Death Penalty.
The bad news: Beckham's taking it !!

•  A man took his wife to the doctors. After a short examination the doctor said, "Your wife's mind has completely gone!"
To which the man replied, "I'm not surprised. She's been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 25 years!"

•  "My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens."

•  My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food...
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

•  Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, "Where?"

•  My wife always says to me, "Give me money, give me money."
What does she do with all the money?
Dunno. Never gave her a penny.

•  A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.
The officer looked at the guy's photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.
"Yes, please" she replied. "Tell him Mother didn't come after all."

•  A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"?
"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
•  A company held a contest for kids with the theme: "The nicest thing My Father Ever Did For Me."
One kid answered "He married my mother."

•  A man was standing on the scale, sucking in his stomach.
The man's wife sarcastically said, "I don't think that's going to help."
"Sure it does," he said. "How else could I see the numbers?"

•  Preeto was almost in tears. "Oh Kanta," she said to her maid, "I have reason to suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary."
"I don't believe it for one minute !" Kanta snapped."You're just saying that to make me jealous !!!"

•  A man walked into the tax collector's office and sat down and smiled at everyone.
"May I help you?" said the clerk in charge.
"No," said the man. "I just wanted to meet the people I have been working for all these years."

•  Tax Collector: Why don't you pay your taxes with a smile?
Taxpayer: I'd love to, but you insist on money!

•  Sign on Tombstone: "Here lies an atheist, all dressed up and nowhere to go."

•  "I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
"In that case," replied his blonde patient, "I'll come back when you are sober."

•  Santa spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said concentrate.

•  A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
His father replied, "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have mine."

•  Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
A: Youre too young to be smoking!
•  One day a dog was running behind a Santa... But Santa was laughing.
Banta asked, "Why you are so happy?
He said... "Ah Ah Ah....I have an Airtel mobile with me...But Still Hutch network is following me.."

•  Q: What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
A: Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything."

•  Santa, "I am a proud father. My son is in medical college.
Banta, "What is he studying?"
Santa, "He's not studying, they are studying him!"

•  It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

•  Q: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
A: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."

•  The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

•  When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped. --Marcel Achard

•  Q: Why do people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older.
A: They're cramming for their finals.

•  Q: What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

•  Q: What's the difference between women an government bonds?
A: Bonds mature.
•  I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

•  Wife is sweet, when she is new. Sweeter, when she is true. And she is the sweetest, when she is someone else's wife.

•  Salesman: This computer will cut your workload by 50%.
Santa: That's great, I'll take two of them.

•  The president of a large corporation opened his directors meeting by announcing, "All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by saying, 'I resign'."

•  Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don't worry it will take just five minutes.
Patient: And how much will it cost?
Dentist: It's Rs 1000.
Patient: One thousand for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like

•  A company offered Rs 500 for each money-saving idea submitted by its employees.
First prize went to the employee who suggested the award be cut to Rs 250.

•  Two men are discussing their lives. One says, "I'm getting married. I'm tired of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear."
The other one says, "I'm getting divorced for the same reasons."

•  Q: What is the difference between a jeweler and a jailor?
A: A jeweler sells watches whereas a jailor watches cells!

•  Q: What's the difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool's Day?
A: On one you're thankful and on the other you're prankful!

•  Q: Why is everyone so tired on April 1?
A: Because they've just finished a long March!
•  A young and stupid pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, when he was approaching a field during the night time. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!"

•  I asked Mom if I was a gifted child.
She said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

•  His wife said: "Be an angel and let me drive." So he did, and now he is.

•  Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

•  Q: What's a mixed feeling?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

•  A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken.
The waiter says that there's nothin' special... we just flat out tell' em they're gonna die...

•  The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What is it, child?"
"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."

•  A funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased - what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.
The widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your dad.

•  If these pills don't stop the kleptomania," said the psychiatrist, "try and get me a nice video camera.

•  A man visits the doctor. The doctor says "I have bad news for you.You have AIDS and Alzhiemer's disease".
The man replies "Well,thank God I don't have AIDS!"
•  Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
A: Big holes all over Australia!

•  Guy: Baby, drinking makes you beautiful.
Gal: I don't drink.
Guy: I do

•  Boss in government department: Why didn't you take the leave due to you this year?
Civil servant: I needed the rest.

•  Wife: Why are you home so early?
Husband: My boss told me to go to hell.

•  Q. Why is 6 afraid of 7?
A. Because 7, 8, 9 !!!

•  A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
"I don't know, son, I'm still paying"

•  "Look, guide, here are some lion tracks."
"Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from."

•  When I was born they fired a 21-gun salute.
Too bad they missed.

•  Q: Can you do anything that other people can't?
A: Sure, I can read my handwriting.

•  A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge.
The judge said, "What will you take....30 days or $30.
"The man replied, "I think I'll take the money."
•  Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?
A: You turn me on.

•  Q: What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
A: Stick with me and we'll go places!

•  Q: Know what the difference between in-laws and outlaws is?
A: Outlaws are wanted!

•  The president of the service club asked his new member, "Would you like to donate something to the home for the aged?"
The new member replied, "Yes, my mother-in-law."

•  A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, "Who's this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?"
"That's your father."
"Then who's that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?"

•  They're the perfect match, he's a history teacher and she likes dates.

•  Laugh and the world laughs with you; fart and they'll stop laughing.

•  Q: What did the boy bat say to the girl bat on Valentine's Day?
A: You're fun to hang around with!

•  A husband and wife are shopping when the wife says, "Darling, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What should we buy her? She would like something electric."
The husband replies, "How about a chair?!?"

•  A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my body?
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: I like your sense of humor.
•  Q: A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'Once Upon A Time'?"
A: He replied, "No, there is a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If elected I promise'."

•  Q: What do bees do with their honey?
A: They cell it.

•  Q: What's the definition of bravery?
A: A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!

•  Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

•  Husband: 'Shall we try a different position tonight?'
Wife: 'That's a good idea. Why don't YOU stand by the sink and do the dishes and I'LL sit on the sofa and fart'.

•  By the time Ted arrived at the football game, the first quarter was almost over.
"Why are you so late?" his friend asked.
"I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to the game."
"How long could that have taken you?"
"Well, I had to toss it 15 times."

•  The traveler was indignant at the slow speed of the train.
He appealed to the conductor: "Can't you go any faster than this?"
"Yes," was the serene reply, "but I have to stay aboard."

•  While filling out an employment application, a man paused over this question:
"Person to notify in case of an accident."
Finally he wrote, "Anybody in sight."

•  Q: What do fat women and mopeds have in common?
A: They both are fun to ride, but you don't want your friends to see either one!

•  After a deep passionate kiss, the girl whispers to the guy, " Kiss me like that once more and I will be yours forever!"
The guy exclaims, " Thanks for the warning!"
•  If you cross a chicken with a zebra you get a four legged dinner with a barcode.

•  There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

•  Q: What is a man's idea of helping out with housework?
A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

•  Little Billy is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard.
"But everyone pees in the pool," said Billy.
"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

•  An old man goes to a gypsy to ask him if he can remove a curse he's been living with for 40 years. The gypsy says, "Maybe, but you'll have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

•  Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit!

•  Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses.

•  Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.

•  Q: What do you call a polar bear wearing ear muffs?
A: Anything you want. He can't hear you!

•  Q: What kind of pine has the sharpest needles?
A: A porcupine.
•  A tourist from the city was visiting a quaint country village, and got talking to an old man in the local pub.
"And have you lived here all your life, sir?" asked the tourist.
And the old man, with a wise look, said, "Not yet."

•  The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"
The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."

•  During a sermon our pastor stated that money wasn't important in the afterlife, because in heaven, there is no money.
I overheard a poor kid whisper to his mother, "Did you hear that, Mom? We're already in heaven."

•  A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?"
He answered, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered "yes" in the last question, was "Why?"
The lawyer answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

•  A little boy was taken to the dentist. It was discovered that he had a cavity that would have to be filled.
"Now, young man," asked the dentist, "what kind of filling would you like for that tooth?"
"Chocolate, please," replied the youngster.

•  A guy walks into a bar and notices three men and a dog playing poker. The dog is playing beautifully. "Thats a smart dog," the man says.
"Not really," says one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail."

•  At a hospital looking through the window at the newly arrived babies a father says, "Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled! Isn't she adorable?"
His friend says, "But your kid didn't smile."
The father replies, "I was talking about the nurse"

•  "Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"

•  A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?"
"No," says the cop.
"What about all these other cars?"
"They didn't ask"

•  One day this black guy walks into a bar with this exotic, colorful parrot on his shoulder.
The man orders a beer and bartender asks, "Wow. That incredible. Were did you get him?"
And the parrot cocks his head back and says, "Africa man, Africa! Their all over the place!"
•  Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion

•  Waiter, what is this stuff?
That's bean salad sir.
I know what it's been, but what is it now?

•  Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
A: You are too young to smoke

•  Q: Why do Farts stink?
A: So that Deaf people can enjoy them too

•  After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board following the close of the service. However, the first man to arrive was a total stranger.
"You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board," said the minister.
"I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him"

•  Q. What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?
A. The ones in the casinos are serious

•  Two programmers walk along the street. The first says to another one, " Listen, people say that the software for a new american invisible plane, "Stealth-2" will be worked out by Microsoft"
The secondm, " I think it is connected with the fact that a new plane must know how to hang up in the air "

•  "Honey, when we get married, I'll be there to share all your troubles and sorrows."
"But I don't have any, my love."
"I said, when we get married"

•  Women are confusing...
Before marriage they expect a man, after marriage they suspect a man, after he dies they respect the man

•  Q: Why do men pass gas more than women do?
A: Because women would not shut up long enough to build up pressure
•  Life Insurance Agent:
Don't let me frighten you into a decision. Sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think

•  1st thief, "Police! Quick! jump out of the window!"
2nd thief, "But this is the 13th floor"
1st: "Hurry! This is no time to be superstitious"

•  Santa stepped on one of those scales that tell fortune and weight, and dropped in a coin.
"Listen," he said to Jeeto, showing her a small, white card, "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great husband."
Jeeto, "And it has your weight wrong, too"

•  Jeeto, "Hello? Is this the fire department?"
"Yes."
Jeeto, "Listen, my house is on fire! You've got to come right away! It's terrible!"
"Okay, how do we get to your house?"
Jeeto, "Don't have those big red trucks anymore?"

•  American: In our country, marriage even takes place with email.
Santa: In India, it is only with female

•  My old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next!"
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals

•  A mobile is like a woman- talks non-stop, costs a fortune, disturbs when you are busy and when you need it urgently-there is no service!

•  At age 4, success is . . . Not peeing your pants
At 12, success is . . . Having friends.
At 20, success is . . . Having sex.
At 35, success is . . . Making money
At 60, success is . . . Having sex.
At 70, success is . . . Having friends.
At 80, success is . . . Not peeing your pants

•  "Well, how are you getting on with your dating of the banker's daughter?"
"Not so bad. I'm getting some encouragement now."
"Really, is she beginning to smile sweetly at you or something?"
"Not exactly, but last night she said that she's said 'no' for the last time."

•  Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
One Student: "Because George still had the axe in his hand"
•  Q: Why did Santa throw the butter out the window?
A: He wanted to see a butterfly

•  Banta was amazed to find Santa playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while.
"I can hardly believe my eyes!" Banta exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."
"Nah, he's not so smart," Santa replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five"

•  Two men were discussing a new novel. Finally one of them, a writer, said, You cant really criticize this book since youve never written anything yourself.
So, what? Said the other, Ive never laid an egg either, but I can criticize an omelet better than a hen can"

•  Q: Santa and Banta went to see 9-12 PM show. But they came back at 10 PM. Why?
A: Because the movie's name was "Dastak" (Das-tak in Hindi means uptill 10 O' clock)

•  Museum administrator: That's a 500 year old statue you've broken.
Santa: Thank God! I thought it was a new one!

•  Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong

•  A blonde walks into a library and says, "Can I have a burger and fries?"
The librarian says, "I'm sorry, this is a library."
So the blonde whispers, "Can I have a burger and fries?"

•  Banta is in a hospital bed completly wrapped up in a body cast. One of the nurses gave him a rectal thermometer and said, "Don't move- I'll be right back"
When she returned the thermometer was in his mouth.
She asked in amazement, "How did you get that in your mouth, you can't even move?"
"I hiccupped"

•  A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

•  From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.
"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts"
•  "May I take your order?" the waiter asked.
"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die"

•  Q: What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?
A: The ones in the casinos are serious

•  Q: What is difference between man and Superman?
A: Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser

•  Sailor (reading from book of facts): "Do you know that every time I breathe a man dies?" Banta: "Why don't you use a mouth wash?"

•  After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it"

•  Son: Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father: No. Why do you ask that?
Son: Well, where did you get mummy then?

•  A couple were sitting in the living room watching TV when the phone rang.
Husband picked it up, listened for a minute then screamed, "How the hell would I know? Call the weather bureau!"
Wife: "What was that all about?"
Husband replied, "Aw, it was just some dumb dork wanting to know if the coast was clear"

•  Girl: Have you seen my identical twin sister anywhere?
Santa: No. How does she look like ??

•  Did you hear about the scientist who crossed a carrier pigeon with a woodpecker?
He got a bird that not only delivers messages to their destination, but knocks on the door when it gets there

•  Q: What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste
•  An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head.
"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."
"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

•  There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.
The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife."
The drunks replies," I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn"

•  One night a school boy came home rather depressed.
"What's the matter, son? asked his father.
"Bad news, Dad" said the boy. "It's my grades. They are all wet."
"What do you mean by 'all wet'?"
"Below C-level," replied the son

•  Q: Why was math book depressed?
A: It had nothing but probs

•  Woman: One of your bees just stung me. I want you to do something about it.
Beekeeper: Certainly, Madam. Just show me which bee it was and I'll have it punished

•  Sign in wallpaper and paint store: "Husbands choosing colors must have note from wives"

•  Banta goes up to a policeman and asks, "Excuse me, officer, but did you know that my wife has had an affair?"
The policeman, surprised, "No! I didn't know"
Banta breathed deeply, exclaiming, "So I'm not the last one to know after all"

•  While filling out an employment application, Santa paused over the question, "Person to notify in case of an accident."
After some thought, he finally wrote, "Anybody in sight"

•  Santa is driving down a road and sees a sign that says, "Watch for Fallen Rocks."
A few kilometres later, he sees some rocks at the side of the road, so he stops and picks them up.
When he gets to the next town, he carries the rocks into the Highway Maintenance office and puts them on the counter.
"Here are your fallen rocks," he says to the man behind the counter. "Now where is my watch?"

•  Jeeto: You say I look old but people still praise me.
Santa: It must be Banta.
Jeeto: How do you know?
Santa: He is a SCRAP DEALER
•  Patient: Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me
Doc: Next please

•  Women are like computers...
as soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model

•  Q: Why did the blonde buy a brown cow?
A: To get chocolate milk"

•  Titanic is going to be drowned. Everybody in the ship is shouting, crying, running or praying to God, just then a passenger asked the captain of the ship.
Passenger: How far is land, from here?
Captain: Two miles...
Passenger: Only two miles, Then why are these fools making noise. I have got the experience of swimming even more.
Captsin: .....!@#$% ...??
Passenger: Just tell me which side, land is two miles from here ?
Captain: Downwards...

•  Eve to Adam: Do you love me?
Adam nonchalantly: Who else?

•  Santa to his girlfriend: Darling, am I the first man you ever kissed?
Girlfriend: Of course, you are the first man I've ever kissed! Why do all men ask the same silly question?

•  Q: How did Santa cheat the railways?
A: He bought the ticket and didn't travel

•  Q: Why did Santa take his pregnant wife Jeeto to Pizza Hut?
A: Because they advertised 'free delivery'

•  Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

•  Osama consults a psychic about the date of his death.
Psychic: You will die on an American holiday.
Osama: Which one?
Psychic: Anyday you die shall be an American holiday
•  Man's greatest enemy is alcohol, but the Bible says, " Love thy enemy!"

•  My wife ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
The driver said, "No, jump in!"

•  Q: What has 4 wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck

•  Q: What is your date of birth?
A: February eleventh.
Q: What year?
A: Every year

•  Santa to a girl: I want to marry you.
Girl: But, I am a year elder to you.
Santa: Then, I'll marry you next year

•  Rabbi answers his phone.
"Hello is this Rabbi ?"
"It is."
"This is a tax auditor from the IRS. Can you help me?"
"I'll try."
"Do you know a Sam?"
"I do."
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is."
"Did he donate $10,000?"
"He will."

•  When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness

•  Last week I asked my wife what she wanted as a present for her birthday.
"Oh, I don't know," she said. "Just give me something with diamonds."
That's why I'm giving her a pack of playing cards

•  Once I was sick and I had to go to an ear, nose, and throat man to get well. There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, gynecologists, proctologists, any place you got a hole, there's a guy who specializes in your hole. They make an entire career out of that hole. And if the ear doctor, nose doctor, throat doctor, gynecologist, or proctologist can't help you, he sends you to a surgeon. Why? So he can make a new hole!

•  I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes
•  Q: What do you call a wicked witch who lives by the sea?
A: A sand-witch

•  Q: Why does a witch ride on a broom?
A: Vacuum cleaners have to be plugged into the wall

•  Q: Where do vampires live?
A: In the Vampire State Building

•  Q: What is a vampires favorite mode of transportation?
A: A blood vessel

•  Q: Why was Dracula not at his desk?
A: He was on his coffin break

•  Q: What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A: A cereal killer..

•  Q: What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
A: "Do you believe in people?"

•  Q: How do you stop a Pakistani tank?
A: Shoot the guys pushing it

•  A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months

•  Santa could not understand why his sister had two brothers and he only had one
•  Banta: "Hey, pal! You've been standing there watching me fish for three hours! Why don't you get a rod and reel and do some fishing yourself?"
Santa:: "No, thanks. I don't have the patience for it"

•  Ravan decides to apologise to Ram.
Ram opens the door.
Ravan blankly starres at Ram & can you guess whate he is thinking?
Sala kiss moonh se maafi maangu

•  Santa, "I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art?
Art dealer, "I beg your pardon sir, that is a mirror

•  On the first day of marriage, the husband is treated like god...
after that the letters reversed

•  Its funny when people debate over love marriage vs arranged marriage
Its like asking them if they did like to hang themselves or shoot their brains out

•  Indian soldiers capture an intruder at Kashmir border. They give him a dice and tell him that if throw between 1 and 5, he would be shot
The intruder says what if he throws six?
They reply that he'll get another throw

•  Santa and Banta are waiting at a bus stop, when a bus pulls up and opens the door.
Banta leans inside and asks the driver, "Will this bus take me to Chandigarh?"
The bus driver shakes his head and says, "No, I'm Sorry."
At this Santa leans inside, smiles and twitters, "Will it take ME?"

•  The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."

•  By the time Santa arrived at the football game, the first half was almost over.
"Why are you so late?" Banta asked.
"I had to toss a coin to decide between going to Gurudwara and coming to the game."
"How long could that have taken you?"
"Well, I had to toss it 14 times."

•  Q: What are the signs of iron deficiency?
A: Crumpled clothes
•  Santa and Jeeto are lying in bed. Santa says: "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
Jeeto says: "I'll really miss you"

•  "Darling," said Banta to his new bride, Preeto, "Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my small income?"
"Of course, dearest, no trouble," she replied. "But what will you live on?"

•  A visitor to Australia has a car accident and is taken to hospital unconscious. The next day he comes to and asks "Did I come here to die?"
A doctor replies "Naw mate, ya came here yesterday"

•  Santa and Banta bought a truckload of watermelons, paying one rupee a piece for them. Then they drove to the market and sold all their melons for the SAME price they'd paid for them.
After counting their money at the end of the day, they realize they ended up with no more money than they started with.
"See!" said Santa. "I told you we should have got a bigger truck"

•  Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical and a good cook.....
But the law allows only one wife

•  Q: What's the difference between a cat and a comma?
A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a comma has its pause at the end of a clause

•  The editor of a small country newspaper, furious over several government bills that had recently been passed, printed a scathing editorial with an enormous headline: "HALF THE LEGISLATORS ARE CROOKS"'.
Many local Politicians were outraged and exerted tremendous pressure on him to print a retraction. He finally gave in to the pressure and ran his apology with the headline:
"HALF THE LEGISLATORS ARE NOT CROOKS"

•  Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong

•  Judge: You are charged with throwing your mother-in-law out of your fourth-story window.
Banta: I did it without thinking, your Honor.
Judge: Thats no excuse! Don't you see how dangerous it might have been for anyone passing by at the time?

•  Santa goes over to Banta's house all bruised and his clothes torn.
Banta says, "Man, where have you been?"
"I just got back from burying my mother-in-law"
Banta: "How did you get all bruised and your clothes torn from burying your mother-in-law?"
"She wouldn't lie still"
•  A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong. "All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?"
Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, "you'd be his wife"

•  Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner"

•  Q: Do you know why the U.S. troops can't find Osama Bin Laden?
A: He walked into a shoe store last month, bought some Odour-Eaters, and hasn't been seen since

•  Q: How does Santa kill a fish?
A: He drowns it

•  Q: How did Santa try to kill the bird?
A: He threw it off a cliff

•  Q: Why'd the blonde bury her driver's license?
A: Because it had expired

•  A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting Flies" he responded.
"Oh, killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

•  A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age.
The husband responded "When we were first married we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions. And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision."

•  A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a twenty dollar bill to a bum."
"You gave a bum twenty whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did you husband say about it?"
"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'

•  A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Police officer.
"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying for years."
•  An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. The next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead.
"Shit!" says the ant. "One night of passion and I will spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"

•  A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.
"Great idea!" the chicken cried.
"Let's offer them ham and eggs?"
"Not so fast," said the pig testily. "For you, that's a contribution. For me, it's a total commitment."

•  Husband says; "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".
Wife replied; "What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"

•  When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

•  Two drunks, Santa and Banta, were walking home along the railway tracks.
Banta says: There's a hell of a lot of steps here.
Santa: I'll tell you what's worse, this hand rail is bloody low down.

•  Q: Why couldn't the peanut butter cross the road?
A: Because there was a traffic jam

•  Q: Why did the pony have a sore throat?
A: Because he was a little horse

•  Q: Why does a tiger have stripes?
A:So he won't be spotted

•  Q: Which day is stronger, Sunday or Monday?
A: Sunday. Monday is a weekday

•  Q: Why does a blonde only change diaper on her baby once a month?
A: Because it says good for up to 20 pounds
•  Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

•  A couple goes to the Doctors office, the man who has a hearing problem is there for a physical, the doctor tells the man he will need a urine and stool sample, The man says Hunh ! The docor repeats himself I will need a urine and stool sample, hunh ! this time the man looks at his wife and asks what did he say?
The wife answers in a loud voice "HE NEEDS TO SEE YOUR UNDERWEAR

•  A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
B: Ok
A: A white horse fell in the mud

•  Santa: Why are all those people running?
Banta: They are running a race to get a cup.
Santa: Who will get the cup?
Banta: The person who wins.
Santa: Then why are all the others running?

•  Son: "I know what the Bible means!"
Father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"
Son replied, "I do know!"
"Ok," said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for Basic Information Before Leaving Earth."

•  Santa: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Jeeto: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Santa: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Jeeto: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

•  A motorist confessed to a farmer, "Unfortunately I've run over your rooster - but I'll replace it, of course."
"Okay," said the farmer, "Then be here tomorrow morning at four o'clock sharp."

•  "Tell me Doctor," asked Santa, "When I stand on my head, the blood rushes to it. Why doesn't it rush to my feet?
"That's because your feet aren't empty," replied the Doctor.

•  Did you hear about the terrorists who took a courthouse full of lawyer hostage? They threatened to release one lawyer every hour unless their demands were net

•  "Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."
"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew.
"I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."
•  "Mr Banta, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife Rs 10,000 a month."
"That's very generous and fair of you, your honour," Banta said.
"And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

•  Santa stepped on one of those penny scales that tells fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.
"Listen to this," he said to Jeeto, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Yeah," Jeeto nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

•  Jeeto complained to Preeto, "Rosey told me that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her."
"Well," replied Preeto in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell you I told her."
"Oh dear!" sighed Jeeto. "Well, don't tell her I told you that she told me."

•  An English professor wrote the words "woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed her students to punctuate it correctly.
The male students wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The female students wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

•  Preeto: There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor. Banta: Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous. Preeto: I tell you the car has water in the carburetor. Banta: You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car? Preeto: In the pool.

•  Three insane men walk out of a mental hospital hoping to escape.
The first says, "If there's a high fence, we'll dig under it!"
The second says, "If there's a low fence, we'll jump over it!"
The third says, "Well, we're out of luck, boys, there is no fence,"
So instead they just went back to their rooms.

•  Santa: "During my operation, Nurse, I heard the surgeon use a four-letter word that upset me very much."
Nurse: "What word was that?"
Santa: "Oops!"

•  Late one night at the insane asylum Banta shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another one said, "How do you know?"
Banta said, "God told me!"
Just then, Santa from another room shouted, "I did NOT!!!"

•  A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in Room 27
She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him that the room is empty
"Good," says the man. "That means I must have really escaped."

•  Pakistan's worst air disaster occurred today when a small 2 seater plane crashed into a cemetery this morning. Pakistan search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that the number will climb as the digging continues into the night
•  Jeeto: What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
Santa: It's not my fault...I ran out of money

•  Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now

•  Auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."
After a moment's silence from the back of the room came the cry, "Two thousand five hundred!"

•  Santa: You know, Jeeto, our son got his brain from me.
Jeeto: I think he did, I've still got mine with me

•  Teacher: Sonu, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Sonu: No, teacher, it's the same dog

•  Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it

•  Teacher: Now, Sonu, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sonu : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook

•  Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked

•  Q: A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
A: A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter"

•  Santa, "Doctor, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail".
The vet stepped back, "Santa, why should I do such a terrible thing?
"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."
•  Q: Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving

•  Q: What's the difference between a marriage and a mental hospital?
A: At a mental hospital you have to show improvement to get out

•  We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up!

•  Did you hear about the scientist who crossed a carrier pigeon with a woodpecker?
He got a bird that not only delivers messages to their destination, but knocks on the door when it gets there

•  By the time Martin arrived at the football game, the first quarter was almost over.
"Why are you so late?" his friend asked.
"I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to the game."
"How long could that have taken you?"
"Well, I had to toss it 14 times."

•  Did you hear about the X-ray specialist who married one of his patients? Everybody wondered what he saw in her

•  The 3 fastest means of communication:
Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman

•  Q: What is difference between man and Superman?
A: Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser

•  Eve to Adam: What do you mean the kids don't look like you?

•  Q: What's the difference between the Government and the Mafia?
A: One of them is organized
•  Q: Why did the blonde crash her plane when landing?
A: "The runway was only 25ft long, but a mile wide"

•  Joe: "My uncle knew a month before his death the exact date he was going to die."
Moe: "How did he know?"
Joe: "The judge told him"

•  "Tell me Doctor," asked a patient, "When I stand on my head, the blood rushes to it. Why doesn't it rush to me feet now?"
"That's because your feet aren't empty," replied the Doctor

•  Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

•  The First Law of Philosophy: For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.
The Second Law of Philosophy: They're both wrong

•  Q: What does Hellen Kellers parents do to punish her?
A: They changed the furniture around

•  Q: How can you tell a bachelor from a married man?
A: A bachelor comes to work from a different direction each morning

•  Mother: "Soooo... you want to become my son-in-law."
Suitor: "No, but I don't see any other way to marry your daughter."

•  Q: What do you call a letter delivered from a chimney?
A: Black mail

•  Scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive
•  Q: What's the difference between a married man and a bachelor?
A: One kisses the Mrs and the other misses the kisses

•  A husband was resting next to wife on the couch with his head in her lap. Wife carefully removed his glasses.
You know, honey, She said sweetly, Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married.
Honey, he replied, Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!

•  A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, Ive lost my dad!
The cop asked, Whats he like?
The little boy replied, Beer and women!

•  Santa: "I passed your house yesterday."
Banta: "Thanks I appreciate it."

•  Jeeto: Why don't you give your husband a divorce?"
Preeto: "What, I have lived with him for ten years and now I should make him happy?"

•  Q: What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it?
A: Post Office

•  Q: What does Tarzan sing at Christmas?
A: Jungle Bells

•  Q: Why couldn't the skeleton go to the dance?
A: He had no body to go with

•  Near-tragedy at the mall- There was a power outage, and Santa and Banta were stuck on the escalators for over four hours

•  Lady Astor once said to Winston Churchill at a party, "Sir, if you were my husband, I would put poison in your tea."
To which Churchill retorted, "And Madame, if you were my wife, I would drink it!"
•  Sunny's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Sunny seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about girls."
The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father."

•  A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping.. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

•  A Man goes to the doctor for some tests. Few weeks later he asks for the results.
Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news.
Man: I suppose I better have the good news first.
Doctor: Were going to name a disease after you

•  Q: When do you know you are overweight?
A: When you are sunbathing on the beach and a Greenpeace-activist tries to roll you back into the sea

•  Santa: Hi. I'm looking for a good buy
Salesman: Oh. Ok. Goodbye

•  Santa: In your opinion, what is the height of stupidity?
Banta: How tall are you?

•  Banta: I got an anonymous letter.
Santa: From whom ?

•  Santa: How did you get that horrible swelling on your nose?
Banta: I bent down to smell a brose
Santa: There isn't a B in rose.
Banta: There was in this one!

•  Jeeto: What are you doing?
Santa: Washing myself, of course
Preeto: Without soap and water?
Santa: Haven't you ever heard of dry cleaning

•  "What do use for washing dishes?"
"Oh, I tried many things but found my husband best."
•  Why did you hit your husband with a chair?"
"I couldn't lift the table."

•  Santa has a fine watch dog.
At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark

•  Q: Why do pipers always walk when they play ?
A: Moving targets are harder to hit

•  A drunken man gets on the bus late one night and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you, you're going straight to hell!"
Man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Dammmmmn, I'm on the wrong bus!"

•  Q: Why don't anteaters get sick ?
A: Because they're full of anty-bodies !

•  One day as Santa came home early from work, he saw a guy jogging naked.
Santa asked, "Hey, why are you doing that?"
He said, "Because you came home early."

•  Santa took his dog to the vet.
"Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."
Doc stepped back in shock, "Why should I do such a terrible thing?"
"Actually my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."

•  Q: How does a cop open a can ?
A: He points the gun to it and shouts: "Police, open up! You are surrounded!"

•  Q: Why is the Police nicknamed "The heart of the country" ?
A: It beats, beats, beats...

•  Q: Why there are always two cops in a car patrol ?
A: In case the siren won't work, one of them to scream "Wouuuu-Wouuuuu" and the other - "Blue, Red, Blue, Red, Blue, Red.."
•  Q: What did the sea say to the shore ?
A: Nothing...it just waved

•  Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying ?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving

•  Q: Who won the skeleton beauty contest ?
A: No body

•  Q: Why did Santa fall out the window ?
A: He was ironing the curtain

•  A man was prosecuted. The judge asked him, "Don't you need a lawyer?"
To which he replies, "No, I don't need any, I'm going to tell the truth."

•  Q: If an blonde and a brunette jumped off a bridge, who would die first?
A: The brunette -- because the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions

•  Banta was driving down the highway past a sign that said "CLEAN TOILETS 8 Kms". By the time he drove eight Km, he had cleaned 14 toilets

•  Q: Why did the Santa tip-toe past the medicine cabinet ?
A: So he wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills

•  Q: Why did the Santa stand in front of a mirror with his eyes closed ?
A: He wanted to see what he looked like asleep

•  Q: Why did it take the Santa a whole week to wash three basement windows ?
A: It took him six days just to dig the holes to put the ladder in
•  Q: Why did the Banta take his new scarf back to the store ?
A: It was too tight

•  Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer ?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain

•  Q: What's the advantage of being married to a blonde ?
A: You can park in handicapped zones

•  Q: Why did the blonde quit his job as a restroom attendant ?
A: He couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer

•  Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk ?
A: The cow fell on her

•  Santa and Banta are taking a walk, and Banta goes, "Oh look, a dead bird," and Santa looks up at the sky and goes, "Where?"

•  The statement below is true
The statement above is false

•  On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"

•  Q: What do you do when a Santa throws a pin at you ?
A: Run like crazy....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth

•  Q: What do you do when Santa throws a hand grenade at you ?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back
•  Q: What will Santa do if he wants an additional white sheet of paper ? (he already has one and he wants one more..)
A: He takes a photcopy of the white paper

•  Q: What will Santa do after taking photocopies ?
A: He will compare it with the original for spelling mistakes!!

•  Santa: I have to learn Telugu within 6 months or I'll not be able to communicate with my child.
Banta: Is it ! Why ?
Santa: I have adopted a telugu child and he will start to speak after 6 months

•  Santa: " What`s the weather like ?"
Banta: "I don`t know --it's so foggy that I can't see"

•  Santa: The aeroplane is so big. How is it painted ?
Banta: When it flies in the air, it will become small and it is easily painted

•  Q: God gave you 2 legs to walk, 2 hands to to hold, 2 ears to hear, 2 eyes to see- but why did He give you only one heart ?
A: Because He gave the other one to someone for you to find

•  Two cannibals were crossing a bridge. It was narrow, high, and somewhat slippery.
The male cannibal asked gallantly, "May I offer you my arm?"
The female answered, " No thanks...I had breakfast."

•  A woman phoned the laundry to report, "There's been a mistake. You sent me a pair of pyajamas, and I don't have a husband."
The laundry clerk replied, " Don't worry... we'll send a man over right away."

•  A pregnant blonde sreeched at her doctor, " You lied to me! You said that IUD Coil worl like the Pill. Well, it didn't.., and besides, it was a whole lot harder to swallow."

•  A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the driver, he was astounded to see a blonde behind the wheel knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn, and yelled,
PULLOVER!"
"NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
•  After a dinner speech, the speaker scolded his secretary: "Why did you write such a long speech for me? You saw how those people were feeling bored!"
The secretary replied, "Sir, it wasn't a lengthy speech at all; but I did make one mistake- I gave you all 3 copies of the speech."

•  1st Lawyer: You're a fool
2nd Lawyer: And you're a damn fool.
Judge : As the learned lawyers have now identified each other, can we now proceed with the case

•  Q: If a blonde and a brunette jump out of an airplane at the same time, which one would hit the ground first ?
A: The brunette ; the blonde would have to stop to ask directions.

•  Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road ?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

•  Q: Why did the Santa climb the glass wall ?
A: To see what was on the other side.

•  A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"

•  Q: What's the difference between in-laws and out-laws?
A: Outlaws are wanted

•  Q: How is a blonde like a bottle of beer?
A: They're both empty from the neck up

•  A gathering was called to mourn the death of a retired Principal. After praising his qualities, the speech ended saying, 'It was so sad that our beloved Principal had to answer the call of nature so soon '.
Not to be outdone, the college paid a equally moving tribute: May his soul rest in piss (peace)

•  Policeman: Why didn't you stop when you saw the zebra crossing, Sir ?
Banta: Such animals should be kept in a zoo, officer !
•  Banta put up a sign-board on his shop bearing these words."Letters typed in three languages."
Next day his Rival, Santa, displayed a bigger board saying: "Photostat copies prepared in all languages

•  In the corridor of a government office was a signboard reading "Don't make a noise."
someone added the following words: "Otherwise we may wake up"

•  Teacher: There is no difficulty in the world we can not overcome.
Pupil: Have you ever tried squeezing the toothpaste back into the tube, Sir?

•  Man : I hate Paying Taxes.
Lady : A good citizen should pay his taxes with a smile.
Man : I tried that but they insisted on money

•  Santa: That cow is a lovely colour.
Farmer: Yes ,it's a jersey.
Santa: Oh, I thought it was its skin !

•  While taking the interview the Employer asked the candidate,
" How long did you work during your last job."
Candidate said 30 years.
The employer asked Whats your age?
The reply was 20.
The employer was surprised and asked the candidate that how it is possible that you are 20 and have a experience of 30 years.
The reply was Overtime.

•  HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

•  HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!

•  HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why, are you leaving?

•  HE: Hi!didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice!!!
•  A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!"
His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

•  A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?"asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire"

•  A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine"

•  Santa went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told, it would defeat the purpose.

•  Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: They're trying to get away from the noise

•  Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.

•  After a dinner speech, the speaker scolded his secretary:
"Why did you write such a long speech for me? You saw how those people were feeling bored!"
The secretary replied, "Sir, it wasn't a lengthy speech at all; but I did make one mistake- I gave you all 3 copies of the speech."

•  If a man is bald at the front, he is a thinker.
If he is bald at the back, he is sexy.
If he is bald from front to back - he thinks he is sexy.

•  Q: What's the quietest place in the world?
A: The complaint department at the parachute packing plant.

•  The biggest seller is cookbooks, and the second is diet books about how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook
•  A man is giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He gets a bit carried away and talks for two hours. Finally, he realizes what he is doing and says; "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."
A voice from the back of the room says, "There's a calendar behind you."

•  Teacher: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
Johnny: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.

•  A professor was one day walking along a very narrow street when he came face to face with a rival. The street was too narrow for two to pass. The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily "I never make way for fools!"
Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said, "I always do."

•  America has drive-in theaters, drive-in supermarkets, drive-in restaurants, and drive-in banks.
What it needs now are more drive-in parking places

•  Young Stan told his father that when he grew up he wanted to drive a big Army tank.
'Well, son,' said his dad, 'if that's what you want to do, I won't stand in your way."

•  How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other

•  Santa walked up to the front desk of the library and said, "I borrowed a book last week, but it was the most boring I've ever read. There was no story whatsoever, and there were far too many characters!"
The Librarian replied, "oh, you must be the person who took our phone book."

•  A blonde walked into a library and said,"Can I have a burger and fries?"
The librarian said, "Sorry, this is a library."
So the blonde whispered, "Can I have a burger and fries?"

•  Two men were sitting in a bar, discussing their lives.
One said, "I'm getting married. I'm tired of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear."
The other one said, "I'm getting divorced for the same reasons."

•  Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!
•  "My mother-in-law was bitten by a mad dog in the street."
"Oh, that's terrible !"
"Yes, it was terrible to watch the dog die slowly in convulsions."

•  Patient: "I always see spots before my eyes."
Doctor: "Did'nt the new glasses help?"
Patient: "Sure, now I see the spots much clearer."

•  Q: What do you do if Santa throws a grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back!

•  "Should women have children after 35?"
"No, 35 children are enough"

•  A little boy asked his mother, "Mummy, am I descended from a monkey?"
The mother replied, "I don t know, son, I never met your father's folks."

•  A sign was place at the entrance of the large machinery plant.
It said "Warning to young ladies: if u wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery. If u wear tight clothes, beware of the machinist."

•  Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that`s a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

•  Q: Why did the blonde bury her driver's license?
A: Because it had expired!

•  Q: Why did the retired basketball player become a judge ?
A: To stay on the court.

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

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