[Desi Masala] mix
*6 BEST SMART-ARSED ANSWERS OF THE YEAR (in reverse order)*
*SMART ARSED ANSWER 6 *
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the
front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
*
SMART ARSED ANSWER 5*
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As
a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not
your stub.'
*
SMART ARSED ANSWER 4*
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a supermarket but she
couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'
*
SMART ARSED ANSWER 3*
The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding,
rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said.
The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket*.
SMART ARSED ANSWER 2 *
A truck driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that
read 'Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under
it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The
policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab and said to the
driver, 'Got stuck, eh?'
The truck driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
diesel!'
*
SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR*
A teacher at a TAFE college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury,
illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other
excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arse at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would
happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual
exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write the
exam with your other hand.'
HOW TO START A FIGHT
There I was on my way to work. Getting into a fight was the farthest thing
from my mind... wasn't even on the horizon. I was in a great mood… and then
I rear-ended a car.
So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car
(and you know how sometimes you just get SO stressed and life-stuff seems to
get funny)?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it. He was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, which one are you then?'
And that's when the fight started.
Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her
rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat
named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared
the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these
years?'
The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life
since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still
yearns?'
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful
consideration, she uttered her first wish:
'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to
mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond
comprehension.'
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'
The fairy godmother replied, 'It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?'
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I were young and
full of the beauty and youth I once had.'
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: 'You have one more wish; what
shall it be?'
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish
for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological
make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes
of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new
life.'
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was
gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and
Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing
at the most beautiful! , stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob
walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair. He held
her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he
whispered.......
'Bet you're sorry you had me castrated.'
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to
see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer
slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps
out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to
the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a
license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the
owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too, didn't he?....
Don't Mess With Old Ladies
(or ANY LADY)!!
--
Wisdom is having a lot to say and not always saying it. Think before you
act; think twice before you speak.
An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind
Winners make things happen, losers let things happen.
I am too blessed to be stressed and too annointed to be disappointed.
Knowledge is information. Wisdom is knowing what to do with the information
you have.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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